Lord

Lord, how I long for you
How I long to worship you

this guy

this man-guy who apparently goes to my school, who has some of the most gorgeous man pictures ive ever seen, keeps friend requesting me on myspace. I keep denying for now because I'm trying to first spot him in real life at school to see who the heck he really is. In any of my classes? is he legit? I cant tell! cuz his profil pic is just him workin outside in some boots and jeans... the end. maybe a shirt would help me recognize him better? LOL... I shall not accept random hotness JUST BECAUSE. Ill find you crazy myspace man, and giggle, and that... will be THE END. le sigh.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1upZz3a-7iM


makes my heart smile. I want to travel.

disgusted

ljsdnlbikjrnkjrnht I have so much to do. I can't seem to catch up and none of my behind-ness is excusable. Oh, there are reasons, but none good enough to qualify for explaining why I'm a bit of a mess. In a month, everything I'm so darn concerned about will be over. In that fact, I find consolation. Then, I wonder about what else could possibly come up. Will I catch up, or will I prepetually be behind? God, help me. I'm losing this part of the race. Keep me strong, I will endure. Still, somehow, tonight, I feel so lacking. I know it's all in there somewhere... you say you've given me everything I need for life and Godliness, and I believe you. Help me see, I lay it down Lord. I know to cast my cares on you because I certainly can't do better at handling them. I will not fear, I will not hold back, I will run on with full speed. Thank you for rescuing me, every time thank you. Gracious God, protect my heart, I want to grow. I need You.

March

March? Hard? Breathrough? AWESOME? we'll see..........

so far, its been interesting. kind of difficult starting out, but then easing up. maybe the joy of spring break, the pure pure joy of spring break, haha, is bringing peace. also BIG job opportunites weigh in the balance for both my mom AND me!!! I'm excited, praying and hoping. Lord I wanna use what youve given me so much more than I am now. I think this would be a change for me to grow and network like none other. Show me the way O King!!!

Okielahomie

I had a marvelous time traveling with The Access over to Oklahoma. We drove lots and lots from Houston to OK and all over OK to play shows and worship with incredible Oklahoman Jesus Freaks. Speaking of Jesus freak, Toby Mac played at two of the shows and did a re-mix of THE 'Jesus Freak' song, I was BLOWN away! LOVE THEM, he and his band are revolutionary. Then, whem we played the church shows me and the girls got to stay at one of the greatest host homes ever! This lady gave me something of hers, and it made me cry, cuz Jesus was totally speaking to me thru the situation. LOVE THAT!!!

Lord, give me your heart.

following

there are so many people I want to add to my 'following' list but I can't figure out how to follow them cuz I can't yet find links on many of their pages to do so. What's the deal??? gaaahh
life is awesome cuz God is awesome, and only because God is awesome.

nfeldjnglsrk

I FINALLY was off work today and got to GO TO CHUUURRRRCH. After missing a few weeks I was mizzing it soooooo bad. Totally....
OMG INTERRUPTION IN THE BLOG. THE SCARIEST PERSON in the world came into Saltgrass a long time ago and I almost died, I was literally paralyzed for like 2 seconds when I saw him. I totally freaked inside, I thought possibly he was like genuinely demon-possessed or into wicca or something insane cuz his image was quite powerfully terrifying. Just Now.... my mom found him on Match.com~!!!!!! hyperventhilating!!!!! I feel sad for thinking those awful things cuz his profile is pretty regular Joe. Who knew someone could look so insane! He DRAWS his eyebrows on though, its not my fault for being scared!!! oh Jesus. Life is such a strange thing. Be ready for anything, right? Respond, don't react. lol

History Class

oh History class... my cell phone gets so little reception here, what is up with that?!?!? It make me sooo sad. And my teacher things I'm on my phone too much but really its only a text or two it just takes 37 minutes to get send!!! :( sigh. oh celly phone, you are the gateway to my friends, BAH on the ridiculous ceiling that hinders your reception.

Favorite

Im probably going to Olive Garden tonight. ooobaby. If this occurs, Tiramisu will be had. Why is that place so magical? I think I'm truly secretly Italian. It would make my life make so much more sense.

Olive Garden was funny. We had a strange waiter, but the food was delicious as ever and I just had a wonderful time. I am always amazed by how much I love that place. Tonight was special survey night and what I ordered happened to be one of the items the survey was featuring so I got to do an official survey! awesome, right?! They should have given us the dessert or something nice like that since I was doing a survey for them, huh, didn't think about that till now. hehe.

I had a super great time just hanging at Starbucks with Holly and Tori. It was delightful! So much BETTER than the tiramisu!!!

PLUS 8

I love love love the show John and Kate Plus 8. It's so... grand. Makes me feel so calm and happy about life in general. TLC rocks.

I want many children. um, hopefully not 6 at a time, though that would be an adventure. my oh my, an adventure.
they are showing a skiing special, I'm inspired. ohh Texas and your flatness and hotness.

This Valentine's was interesting. It was quite good, although I worked a lot on that specific day, but the general Valentines 'season' was... well... I think I fell in love with the idea od being in love. The more mature, realistic version of what that would really mean in life. I think. I'm sure you never know until you're in it. But events, life, God, who knows, has a way of putting seeds in the heart. Some planted in earlier years bloom tiny baby's breath flowers of hope... little glimpses of what may be to come. And sometimes seeds are planted during the current time, and their new residence in the heart creates an expectancy that is quite delightful. Only truth nourishes. Only truth causes lasting things to grow. The rest ought to be burned up, lol. :)

part two. ALSO, Kim Walker/Smith? is my NEW HEROOO!!!! Incredibly free worship. wow. amazed.

WEEKEND

Wow, what a weekend! Most of my hours awake were spent at work.

Holly got me the best Brides magazine ever!!! I kind of have a good stack of them, I just love the fashion mostly. Something about weddings amazes me. I looooove them.

Tori had a crazy trip to see the bf in another state, wow, cannnnnnnooot wait to hear details of this random rendezvous!
my eyelids are falling fast here, blog land... sleeeeep....
I was just not that into hes just not that into you.
cept the end, there was cute love at the end.

friday

bored. stuck at home. alone. bla bla bla. cleaning. yada yada, etc. Ready for the evening or this car guy to CALL ME back already. sigh.

zit. pain. getting ready and going out now, peace.

Confessions of a Shopaholic- great stuff! random seriousness was not expected and not liked, but the eye candy was worth it. And not just the shoes... ;) LOL bahhaha. I kid, I kid. In general it was a very colorful movie and fun to watch.

Random neck pains, whats up with that? Delicious mexican food tonight. A+ Salsa, good job las haciendas

(and it shouldn't be this hard to get a car. Lord, I'm going crazy. What's wrong? It feels so unfair! How can I break out of this? It will take me too long to save up a full amount, I'm still a student. What do you want me to do? WHAT?)

talk

So Holly and I had this great talk last night. Wow, that was priceless. You know, it's so crazy the things God puts in us for LATER. I mean, sometimes I'm like, Lord, why does this exist, it's not even time for it!? But then I remember how He gives us EVERYTHING for life and godliness, and we just have to do our little part to steward it. I'm not always the best at that Lord. You only know. Peace, be still, craziness and untimeliness! Shhhh... just you wait. Every good thing comes from the Lord. Trust HIM.

ohmyworrd

God? God? Is it You? What am I hearing? still static in the frequency! Surely you're not asking me to... it just... I don't... what...??? I'm here. I'm here.

Searching.

(on second thought, it is possible everything I wrote below is largely due to the fact that I didn't get much accomplished today and am up super late. Angst or deep heart? We will find out.)
Well since this is still my mostly-private blog, I'm gonna explode on it tonight.

Tonight I'm feeling incredibly unsatisfied. I'm wondering about life. I feel something stirring. I don't know what to do, or where to plug in. I imagine that it's better to plug in somewhere and do something instead of nothing, but that feels like settling which disgusts me. I'm sick of 'regular' in my life, and in the lives surrounding me. Can it be that other people are OK with having OK?? I have never been and hope to God I never will be. I want to be content in the sense that I'm satisfied in God and where I am at does not reflect that. I feel so limited which is ridiculous! A No limits life should be being lived here!

I am not at home in my own skin. I'm like a run-on sentence.

Jesus, I need you so much. God, I need your power in my life. I want to see You. Just You. I need nothing else. I've been there before, I can remember the taste of fulfillment in You. When You consume, everything is in place, and everything flows, everything is aligned. You are all-consuming. Govern me Lord! Write on my heart. Whisper your secrets to me. Heal me. Help me to rise up from this strangeness I'm feeling. Show me what I need to do and help me. Do what you need to in my life and in my heart to bring me to that place. I want nothing else.

What is in me that needs to come forth? What is all this creativity going on? I don't even know where to begin applying it. I don't want to feel like I'm wandering around any longer God. This is agonizing. My soul demands of me for YOU to be my purpose. Show me, God, show me, show me!!! Help me see. :)

Ready, set, sneeze

ohpie!Ididitagain! dyed my hair today. Had a MARVELOUS night with Holly. We stalkerd some great lookin houses, chatted at Barnes. I am so my better self after a triple grande caramel machiatto, it relaly brings out the best in me. Also, the fact that God is totally incredible and just keeps answering my prayers. I'm a long way from where I want to be, but I keep walking and He keeps carrying me. I have not lost total sight of the goal, and tonight I had a great reminder of the 'goal' if you will. Ministry... LOVE... is EVERYTHING.

2/5/09

well, I had a quiz a while back over some material that I had not AT ALL covered, and I managed to get nearly HALF of the answers right. That's still a terrible grade, but I'm impressed at my genius intelligent guessing skills! wahhahaha.
Computer class is ok. Still feeling great that I got a 78 when everyone else failed. Not that I'm glad they failed, thats lame :( , and I think my teach will curve the grades- he's got to do something. That was a crazy test with material we really had not done. But it just made me feel for the first time that I was back on the road to dominating, even the slightest bit, in the academic game. No, I'm not competitive at ALL!teehheeheesarcasm.

My face is kind of hurting due to sinus pressure or something insane. Don't understand where the pain is coming from.

I'm having some psycho emotions this week. I explained to Whitney that somehow suddenly all the things I was focused on and working on went out the window. I'm walking around and hanging out and having so much fun feeling like everything is great, but somehow I know in me things are not fine. I feel like God's whispering or prodding for me to see something underneath but... that layer of deep heart questions, dissapointments, whatever, in me is being buried by stuff it seems, and I can't get through!!! I feel like I'm in some kind of spell where someTHING is altering everything I experience, or like a gloss is over my world or something. Lord, help me, help me see You, clean me of whatever is in the way because I know I can't see you right and I can't see me right either. Show me your truth.

Now, I love how some of the more... unique?... people at my school have dubbed Thursday as dress-up day. This is thoroughly entertaining and I really want to join their club on that account. I want to dress up too!

Today I had a burrito and an egg roll for lunch... I feel so ethnic.

part two. so, I really feel I've lost sight of the goal. Today I said to God, ''where are you?". I didn't so much mean that I didn't feel Him near, but more, 'where are we going' cuz things are looking really weird the last few days. And by today, well, I almost did feel a distance between us. I know He's not gone anywhere though, it's all the business of my soul mixing up the signals. Sounds like some prayer combined with fasting is in order. It's been a while since I've done some purposeful fasting. Lord, draw me in.

OHMYLANTA

It's 3:22am so I'm starting a new day blog.

I just got the potential BEST Myspace message EVER, in the category of "WhAT?!" based on its' absurdity and randomness and shock factor.
Everyone, from a blind person I met once in real life, I recieved this message... "if i pay u $20 and gas money can i paint and suck ur toes"

...................WHHHHAAATT?!?!?!?!?

mind you, gas money would be insane because I now live thousands of miles away from this fellow. BAHhahahahahahHAHAHhaha...........

I can only laugh in the hopes that he is seriously, tragically joking. and then cry a little.

I'm not going to respond, cuz, I mean, what does one say? "Your cheese wheel owes Teddy Roosevelt an Australian moon?" Cuz really, that makes about the equivalent sense of that message to me.

part two. so today was a super great day!!! TORI came to pick me up and we ran around, got some technology equipment to prepare valentines presents, hush hush, got some goooooodyummy chic fil a. Holly eventually met up with us not too much later and we played with music and iTunes and watched FUNNNNNY youtube videos and then Ugly Betty. WHAT a fantastic day of fun! I love being a student!!!

Today

1.) I'm going to make it a goal to write on here MOST days. I won't restrict myself to EVERYday, I don't think that's realistic, but I'd like to journal the important or random things of my days and kind of keep track of the goings on of my little life. Last night at The Venue was pretty awesome, and I couldn't hep but notice that it was insanely loud, thanks to my friend pointing that out to me. I still adored it. Today I was not prepared for a little quiz we took in history, Lord only knows what I'll get on it. I didn't have the right student info plan, so I rly didnt know. I'm such a nerd. I got the right one today, however, and will be prepared for good ol History from now on.

2.) So I just finished a test for computer. My class is kind of having a cow because it was a computer generated test that the teacher had not even seen yet and much of the tested material was stuff we had never covered in class or in any of our assignments. I'm thankful cuz I did do a little extra personal study and pulled off a 78, while the other typically studious girls by me made a 60 and 68. I hope my prof does some kind of curve for the sake of everyone.

3.) Work was mostly really great tonight. It was rather smooth like a very lucious cup o' joe, and that made me happy. It wasn't perfect, but it was what it was. It ended so oddly though with some creepers crawling in around closing time. Why get drunk and then go eat at a place like this? We're not open THAT late! Strange strange creepers some people are. On another note, I'm desperately trying to curb my obsession for Katy Perry. Now, some of her songs are so against some of my values I just don't listen to them. Still, there are a few that are less objectionable that I rather enjoy... A LOT. Her voice might be my favorite in ALL THE LANNNND...!!! "You're like an indian summer in the middle of a winter, like a hard candy with a surprise center" Then I wonder if anyone else in the world thinks of God upon hearing totally random seemingly unrelated lyrics to super secular songs, because, sometimes I do. Actually lots of times I do. I think its cool.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, We gotta find Nemo

wow, wow, wow. Can I just expound on those wow's for a moment? WOW, WOW, WOW. GOD is SO incredible. [I love how basic the concept of prayer is.] hahhahaha, seriously! Our hearts and mouths cry out to an ocasionally seemingly invisible God. At times, I wonder, "God, are you getting this? Am I getting this message through to you properly, or is the 'mailer-daemon' sending it back my way, to be unread, undeard." In my logic, I do recognize that God answers prayer. I know this from experience, plenty. However, it doesn't always feel so simple. THINGS just get in the way. Limitations, anything, can make me wonder if God is near or far, which complicates talking to Him! Sometimes, the 'life-decision' prayer skill feels father from simple than the highest knowledge found on earth! *sigh* Sometimes, I wonder to myself if the words are getting anywhere at all, or if they are totally empty or meaningless or, ultimately, worthless. So, I TRUST. I remind myself like lightening to NOT let doubt or fear take ahold of my HOPE, my prayers, my faith or my trust.

This week God has flooded in. He is shaping my heart and conforming my desires to His. He is allowing me unique minsitry opportunities that are purely relational in nature, not having to do with any organization I'm a part of, and it's SO way cool. He is giving me ideas, and in that way, speaking to me, whispering to my heart. All that... I PRAYED for. He heard and He answered.

And so, these days, I keep laying it down, whatever the 'it' might be each day, I let go and LEAN on Him, TRUST His heart for me. I want to transform my life yet again to be lived with the mantra (of sorts) "to walk by faith". I trust that He will bring all things to pass in due time.

WhatISgoingON???

The last couple of days have been soooooooo weird. Lord, helpme! Girls, boys, girls and boys, prayers, sleep, man it's all CRAZYTOWN!!!

Tiramisu

Tonight Holly and I went out for our usual late-evening run around town. We started at Olive Garden where we had some -interesting- "raspberry iced tea" (ITWASjazzedupKOOLAID.WEareCERTAIN!), delighted over some beautiful salads and breadsticks, chicken alfredo, and topped it off with tiramisu... the best dessert of all time! Ahhhhhhhh....... sooo good.


In other news, Barack Obama was inaugurated this week. I suppose I should devote at least an entire, substantial blog to this, but I'm far to tired to do justice to the intensity that is due to a blog for such an occasion. So, I'll just post this picture of the White House instead. :) - the view is from inside the top of the Washington Monument where I was July 2008 with my BFF Whitney (who works for congress, yeah, she's basically a secret rockstar).