(on second thought, it is possible everything I wrote below is largely due to the fact that I didn't get much accomplished today and am up super late. Angst or deep heart? We will find out.)
Well since this is still my mostly-private blog, I'm gonna explode on it tonight.
Tonight I'm feeling incredibly unsatisfied. I'm wondering about life. I feel something stirring. I don't know what to do, or where to plug in. I imagine that it's better to plug in somewhere and do something instead of nothing, but that feels like settling which disgusts me. I'm sick of 'regular' in my life, and in the lives surrounding me. Can it be that other people are OK with having OK?? I have never been and hope to God I never will be. I want to be content in the sense that I'm satisfied in God and where I am at does not reflect that. I feel so limited which is ridiculous! A No limits life should be being lived here!
I am not at home in my own skin. I'm like a run-on sentence.
Jesus, I need you so much. God, I need your power in my life. I want to see You. Just You. I need nothing else. I've been there before, I can remember the taste of fulfillment in You. When You consume, everything is in place, and everything flows, everything is aligned. You are all-consuming. Govern me Lord! Write on my heart. Whisper your secrets to me. Heal me. Help me to rise up from this strangeness I'm feeling. Show me what I need to do and help me. Do what you need to in my life and in my heart to bring me to that place. I want nothing else.
What is in me that needs to come forth? What is all this creativity going on? I don't even know where to begin applying it. I don't want to feel like I'm wandering around any longer God. This is agonizing. My soul demands of me for YOU to be my purpose. Show me, God, show me, show me!!! Help me see. :)
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Girl, I have been in this place... oh... let's see... like a zillion times. Even now, I have those thoughts about every other day or so! :) The test in a situation like this, is....
ReplyDeleteDo we trust God enough to wait on Him?
The truth is, He wants us to get to a place when He is all consuming in our lives. We are so consumed by Him, that our dreams no longer mean so much to us... situations and vocations aren't near as important. I keep confessing that God is truly all I need.
Keep going strong. Keep seeking God. Keep worshiping Him. In due time... He will lift you up and all this will make sense.
Much love to you!
Yeah I can totally feel ya. Go read Beth's note on Facebook, it's key.
ReplyDeleteappreciate you jac. So much. Aaron, were you talking about the note she wrote about Zach?
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